I have so much sympathy for you, dude. Your situation sounds really similar to an RL friend of mine. (Let’s call her Cassie!)
For as long as I’ve known her, Cassie has had a bit of an interest in stories that feature fucked-up consent issues. It never went so far that she wanted to roleplay — much like me, the idea of acting those things out in real life even with someone we love was a bit much for her — but every once and a while she liked to read non-con/dub-con fanfiction on AO3. It wasn’t something she talked about much and it wasn’t something she would ever make someone else read. It was just a small, private part of her life.
And then a few years ago Cassie was sexually assaulted in real life. It was horrific and awful and extremely traumatizing, and VERY FUCKING UNDERSTANDABLY it’s not something she ever likes thinking about.
In the aftermath, though, one of the strangest things that Cassie discovered? Was that she still has a bit of a non-con kink. It was genuinely shocking for both of us, and it was something she just… didn’t know what to think about for a long time. It made her feel confused and shitty and conflicted about herself for a while. But in the end, for Cassie? The “oh, I didn’t want to like it, but I did~!” fantasy of non-con fanfiction exists as something reasonably separate in her head from the actual real-life trauma she experienced. The fact that it is fiction makes a difference for her; the fact that it is warned for and she can go in prepared makes a difference to her.
A little while ago Cassie got triggered really badly — like, she was shaken up for a WEEK — from watching a shitty reality television show wherein one of the actors was bullying and pressuring one of the actresses to have sex with him to the point where she said “I guess I’ll just say yes because I’m too tired to say no anymore”. That was personal to her; that was triggering. She sent me a message as she was having a panic attack saying “I don’t know why I’m so fucking upset, I’ve read a hundred non-con fics with stuff a million times worse than that and I’ve never reacted like this” — and in the end, we realized what the difference was. It was that these were real people, not fictional characters — and it was the fact that the show itself didn’t even realize it was presenting the story of someone’s rape. The show acted like everything that was happening was totally normal and acceptable; what happened wasn’t condemned by the narrative, it wasn’t tagged for, and it wasn’t aware of what it was saying.
I should make a point of saying that not everyone in Cassie’s situation is going to react the same way — oh god, no. It would’ve been completely, 1000% understandable if she never wanted to read another fanfic like that again. It’s so important to respect peoples’ triggers regardless of their past experience, too: all sorts of people find the idea of stories featuring rape abhorrent and would never ever want to read them, but Cassie’s history would’ve made it even MORE understandable if she wanted absolutely nothing to do with that kink again. But that just wasn’t the case for her. Human beings are funny; we’re not always in control of the things that interest or intrigue us. We are, however, completely in control of how we handle it.
But anon, the reason I just talked your ear off with this really long story is because I want you to know that you are not alone: you are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, you have nothing to be ashamed of. The way that you handle your past trauma in conjunction with what you like to read about in fiction is your personal business and no one can take that away from you. And I don’t think it’s fair for people to tell you that you’re a bad person because of how you choose to deal with that. I’ve seen a few posts going around saying things like “anyone who likes this is disgusting” and I want there to be at least one person telling you that no, you are not.
If stories like that make people uncomfortable or upset or triggered, they don’t have to read them. That is the beauty of fiction and the beauty of trigger warnings; you, anon, can keep on doing exactly what you need to do without hurting anyone at all.